I wanted to share this post again, because, well, I felt I needed to. I need a fresh start: we all do, regularly, daily, all the time! Sloughing off the emotional scars I have is hard, but can be done.
Here is what I wrote, and I hope you enjoy!
The Blog:
I have sat, stumped, at how to write this blog for the last two weeks. Do I go the historical route, citing myths and sources? Do I try to examine the varying ways other people view Pan? How do I pay due tribute, and give the utmost respect for my patron? Well, after much waffling around, and a start of a blog that went a completely different direction, I am back to: myself.
So, this blog will be concerning my own vision of Pan. I have memory problems connected with sleep apnea, so the best way I’ve discovered to learn about Pan, and any other deity, is to research some, and work with them directly, usually by meditating, painting, etc. Getting it “straight from the source”, as a friend of mine has said.
Recently, I discovered this is known as a “UPG”, or “Unverified Personal Gnosis”. Either way, full steam ahead! Who is Pan? No, not bread, though I do love me some good bread (“pan” is bread in Japanese). Pan is God of the fields, forests, of all wild creatures. He is also God of goats, sheep, tortoises, bees and bee keeping. He is joyful, happy, loves music and merriment (as he is a God of music, as well). Pan is a lusty god, reveling in food, sex, wine and song. He is also known as a god of theatrical inspiration. He is wise, as the image of the Old Man of the Woods, and bold/carefree, as in the image of a young satyr, frolicking in a woodland glen. His faces and nature change, as does the rest of nature; with the turning of the wheel, his influence waxes and wanes. He is most keenly felt in the spring and summer. To those of us who worship him, however, he can be felt the year-round. He is of this earth, and does not distance himself, as his essence is in all creation.
Pan is also very protective of those whom he claims as His own. You think it odd that a god would claim a follower? Why not? I never knew, until He decided that it was time to make his presence known last year, that he has been there for me, all of my life.
“Last summer?”, you say? Yes: I was designing a small open group meeting about the Green Man and the Horned God. And literally, all I could think about was Pan. You see, when I need to know something spiritually, I obsess over it. I know that now, at any rate. Last year, I had no clue why I was obsessing SO MUCH about a god that had always terrified me. I’d been raised a staunchly conservative Christian, you see, and for some reason, every time I saw an image of a satyr (even before I knew what that half-man/half-goat creature was), I was scared. I saw the Devil. Even after learning of Pan, in my late teens, I still ran from him. And upon learning of the Horned God in Wicca, I still had to separate Pan. I could only see Cernunnos or Herne.
Let me give you some examples of my “running”: In South Mountain State Park, a number of years ago, my brother and lost track of time, and started to head back to the car (which took us a good hour and a half or so) close to twilight. The further we went down, the darker it got, and the more I could feel the trees all around me. I felt disapproval, and I chalked that up to us being where we weren’t supposed to be. (Yes, to some that may sound crazy. Have you ever been in the deep woods after dark?? Have you ever felt all those presences around you?) At a certain point, we had to stop, and I was already starting to panic. I could feel something else, other than animal, other than plant. My mind heard, “Pan.” I don’t remember if I told my brother that, though I want to say I did. Even though I knew I was safe, I was still wigging out, and hurried onward, shoving the memory down inside.
In Latin classes, I would stare at images of satyrs, get creeped out, and look again. My fascination with goats, and satyrs would carry on through my life, though always with that fear attached. I would see images of Baphomet, and the Boogey-man, and get scared. Even after a number of years, I realized I was only afraid of Satan because of the ingrained predisposition to fear anything with hooves and horns. Why the fascination, all these years? Why?
Goddess knows, I have had a roller-coaster ride when it comes to the Horned God. I researched, and read, and learned. And so, upon that journey, I would discover what a patron deity was. And could never find one, or allow one to find me.
Until last Summer. My secret love, my Lord Pan, my God Pan, goat-footed, sure-footed Pan, came to me. I finally began to research more, to read more, to learn more, and even in my fear (which started to relax), I came to understand.
During a small class, I led an intuitive meditation on the Horned God, and the Green Man. I only had a loose idea of how it would go. I saw a bounding deer, and I followed. I was led to a clearing, where a mighty Oak stood, and where Holly ringed the edges. And still, I journeyed on. I came to a field, a gloriously golden wheat field. As I got closer, I could see a satyr cavorting, playing his pipes. Finally, there he stood, Pan, in all of his splendour. And my head was filled with image of Him, curving ram’s horns, shaggy hair and all, until I could barely breathe. It was intoxicating. And I heard the words of the poet, ascribed to Plutarch, “The Great God Pan is Dead!” And I said aloud, knowing it to my very bones, “Pan is NOT dead. He has never *been* dead. He will never *be* dead.” That’s as much as I remember. But I can tell you this, it was a defining moment for me.
A few weeks later, sitting in front of a new friend, in a little cubby-hole of an office, I had an epiphany. I said aloud, “Well, now I have accepted Pan as my Patron.” And, after weeks of obsession, I felt laughter, and snark and pride, and Pan was happy. His presence moved away for a few weeks, to give me some time to think. Also, to cap off the afore-mentioned night, I recieved a gift, a copy of my favorite painting of Pan. It is a painting titled “The Faun”, by Carlos Schwabe (1923). And this person did not even know I had just accepted Pan as my patron. Talk about synchronicity!!
So, this brings me to now. I have been needing to write about my patrons for a long time. I have been avoiding that, as I have been afraid I would misrepresent them, or even under-represent them. When the opportunity came for me to be a guest blogger, I jumped on it. And promptly developed writer’s block. Due to my own anxiety issues, yes, but since I have limited information in book form, and have had to rely on a lot of internet sources, I didn’t want to appear as if I did not *know* him.
He is a Greek god, yes, but so much more. His roots lie shrouded in time, and I have been finding traces of him (through research) in Egypt and India, among other places. The names are different, but the essence is the same. I also keep finding odd things in common, between Pan and Brighid, such as the bee and water associations. I still have so much to learn, believe me!
With all that said, He means much more to me than anyone could ever know. I hope I have done him justice by giving you a small picture of what Pan means to me, and have not been too terribly disjointed.
Be sure to check out the links below, which have listed some great books on Pan, to jump-start your own research!
IO PAN!!
Blessings of Pan and Brighid to you,
April, aka Sora
Helpful Links:
An in-depth article on Pan
Online text of the Homeric Hymn to Pan
Wikipedia entry on Pan (look at the reading material)
"The Faun", by Carlos Schwabe
Also, here is an awesome song:
I love this song by Blood Ceremony... Entitled "The Great God Pan", it was not in my original blog post, but it is wonderful to rock out to.
Many blessings of Pan and Brighid, God and Goddess in whatever form you need, be with you at all times...
No comments:
Post a Comment