This blog is in conjunction with my WordPress site, The Pipes of Pan Sing the Mark of Daedalus. This blog is now dedicated to archiving my memoir-style ramblings, my recovery from mental illness, activism and spirituality. Hop aboard, and enjoy the ride folks! It's gonna be a great day, everyday! ;)
I had started a blog in October, just about happy music... I'll go ahead and publish as is, because, well, who doesn't need a happy??? :-P Enjoy!!
Post:
Listening to Ubaka Hill's, "Spiral Dance", this morning. If it doesn't at least wake you up, and get you to swayin' in your seat, you're probably a zombie. Hell, a zombie might even get happy listening to this. :P
"We remember how to uncoil our power, and to dance the spiral dance."
And isn't that what it's all about? Being joyful, being grateful, just to be ALIVE, to breath, move love eat sleep rejoice in our skin? To be one with all around us?
Dance the spiral dance, my dears, around your couch or living room table, in the kitchen, outside, wherever you may be... Enjoy one another, and above all, enjoy life!
This is where I was at last summer... It is a blog I wrote for The Pagan Mom Blog about Pan, my patron deity... I've been in a funked up, screwed up mess of a mood the last number of months... I feel like I'm always on the verge of something... I have to deal with severe agoraphobia and at times crippling anxiety and depression. I thought I was managing, but I've been slipping. Recently, I've been making a comeback against the depression, though I am still battling that demon daily.
I wanted to share this post again, because, well, I felt I needed to. I need a fresh start: we all do, regularly, daily, all the time! Sloughing off the emotional scars I have is hard, but can be done.
Here is what I wrote, and I hope you enjoy!
The Blog:
I have sat, stumped, at how to write this blog for the last two
weeks. Do I go the historical route, citing myths and sources? Do I try
to examine the varying ways other people view Pan? How do I
pay due tribute, and give the utmost respect for my patron? Well, after
much waffling around, and a start of a blog that went a completely
different direction, I am back to: myself.
So, this blog will be concerning my own vision of Pan. I have memory
problems connected with sleep apnea, so the best way I’ve discovered to
learn about Pan, and any other deity, is to research some, and work
with them directly, usually by meditating, painting, etc. Getting it
“straight from the source”, as a friend of mine has said. Recently, I discovered this is known as a “UPG”, or “Unverified Personal Gnosis”. Either way, full steam ahead!
Who is Pan? No, not bread, though I do love me some good bread
(“pan” is bread in Japanese). Pan is God of the fields, forests, of all
wild creatures. He is also God of goats, sheep, tortoises, bees and
bee keeping. He is joyful, happy, loves music and merriment (as he is a
God of music, as well). Pan is a lusty god, reveling in food, sex,
wine and song. He is also known as a god of theatrical inspiration. He
is wise, as the image of the Old Man of the Woods, and bold/carefree,
as in the image of a young satyr, frolicking in a woodland glen. His
faces and nature change, as does the rest of nature; with the turning of
the wheel, his influence waxes and wanes. He is most keenly felt in
the spring and summer. To those of us who worship him, however, he can
be felt the year-round. He is of this earth, and does not distance
himself, as his essence is in all creation.
Pan is also very protective of those whom he claims as His own. You
think it odd that a god would claim a follower? Why not? I never knew,
until He decided that it was time to make his presence known last year,
that he has been there for me, all of my life.
“Last summer?”, you say? Yes: I was designing a small open group
meeting about the Green Man and the Horned God. And literally, all I
could think about was Pan. You see, when I need to know something
spiritually, I obsess over it. I know that now, at any rate. Last
year, I had no clue why I was obsessing SO MUCH about a god that had
always terrified me. I’d been raised a staunchly conservative
Christian, you see, and for some reason, every time I saw an image of a
satyr (even before I knew what that half-man/half-goat creature was), I
was scared. I saw the Devil. Even after learning of Pan, in my late
teens, I still ran from him. And upon learning of the Horned God in
Wicca, I still had to separate Pan. I could only see Cernunnos or
Herne.
Let me give you some examples of my “running”: In South Mountain
State Park, a number of years ago, my brother and lost track of time,
and started to head back to the car (which took us a good hour and a
half or so) close to twilight. The further we went down, the darker it
got, and the more I could feel the trees all around me. I felt
disapproval, and I chalked that up to us being where we weren’t supposed
to be. (Yes, to some that may sound crazy. Have you ever been in the
deep woods after dark?? Have you ever felt all those presences around
you?) At a certain point, we had to stop, and I was already starting to
panic. I could feel something else, other than animal, other than
plant. My mind heard, “Pan.” I don’t remember if I told my brother
that, though I want to say I did. Even though I knew I was safe, I was
still wigging out, and hurried onward, shoving the memory down inside.
In Latin classes, I would stare at images of satyrs, get creeped out,
and look again. My fascination with goats, and satyrs would carry on
through my life, though always with that fear attached. I would see
images of Baphomet, and the Boogey-man, and get scared. Even after a
number of years, I realized I was only afraid of Satan because of the
ingrained predisposition to fear anything with hooves and horns. Why
the fascination, all these years? Why?
Goddess knows, I have had a roller-coaster ride when it comes to the
Horned God. I researched, and read, and learned. And so, upon that
journey, I would discover what a patron deity was. And could never find
one, or allow one to find me.
Until last Summer. My secret love, my Lord Pan, my God Pan,
goat-footed, sure-footed Pan, came to me. I finally began to research
more, to read more, to learn more, and even in my fear (which started to
relax), I came to understand.
During a small class, I led an intuitive meditation on the Horned
God, and the Green Man. I only had a loose idea of how it would go. I
saw a bounding deer, and I followed. I was led to a clearing, where a
mighty Oak stood, and where Holly ringed the edges. And still, I
journeyed on. I came to a field, a gloriously golden wheat field. As I
got closer, I could see a satyr cavorting, playing his pipes. Finally,
there he stood, Pan, in all of his splendour. And my head was filled
with image of Him, curving ram’s horns, shaggy hair and all, until I
could barely breathe. It was intoxicating. And I heard the words of
the poet, ascribed to Plutarch, “The Great God Pan is Dead!” And I said
aloud, knowing it to my very bones, “Pan is NOT dead. He has never
*been* dead. He will never *be* dead.” That’s as much as I remember.
But I can tell you this, it was a defining moment for me.
A few weeks later, sitting in front of a new friend, in a little
cubby-hole of an office, I had an epiphany. I said aloud, “Well, now I
have accepted Pan as my Patron.” And, after weeks of obsession, I felt
laughter, and snark and pride, and Pan was happy. His presence moved away for a
few weeks, to give me some time to think. Also, to cap off the
afore-mentioned night, I recieved a gift, a copy of my favorite painting
of Pan. It is a painting titled “The Faun”, by Carlos Schwabe (1923).
And this person did not even know I had just accepted Pan as my patron.
Talk about synchronicity!!
So, this brings me to now. I have been needing to write about my
patrons for a long time. I have been avoiding that, as I have been
afraid I would misrepresent them, or even under-represent them. When
the opportunity came for me to be a guest blogger, I jumped on it. And
promptly developed writer’s block. Due to my own anxiety issues, yes,
but since I have limited information in book form, and have had to rely
on a lot of internet sources, I didn’t want to appear as if I did not
*know* him.
He is a Greek god, yes, but so much more. His roots lie shrouded in
time, and I have been finding traces of him (through research) in Egypt
and India, among other places. The names are different, but the essence
is the same. I also keep finding odd things in common, between Pan and
Brighid, such as the bee and water associations. I still have so much
to learn, believe me!
With all that said, He means much more to me than anyone could ever
know. I hope I have done him justice by giving you a small picture of
what Pan means to me, and have not been too terribly disjointed.
Be sure to check out the links below, which have listed some great books on Pan, to jump-start your own research!
IO PAN!!
Blessings of Pan and Brighid to you, April, aka Sora
Recently, I discovered this is known as a “UPG”, or “Unverified Personal Gnosis”. Either way, full steam ahead!